A simpler way to think about teens and phones

Focus on what to protect rather than what to prohibit

Photo by DJ Paine on Unsplash

When Vivek Murthy, the US Surgeon General, visits college campuses—which he does a lot—he talks to young people about loneliness, technology use, and their hopes for the future.

What he sees and hears from them worries him.

Dining halls are way quieter than they used to be, with kids on laptops or phones and rarely talking to each other. Students tell him that they want to connect with other students more, but don’t know how: it feels intrusive to interrupt someone working on a laptop or engrossed in their phone. He asks every young person he meets whether they or anyone they know has struck a good balance between online life and real life. No one has said yes yet.

“The problem is that these platforms are not designed for balance,” Murthy told me. “They are built for maximum engagement.”

Murthy is using his perch to take on Big Tech. In May 2023, he issued a public health advisory warning around social media use and children. But even though he’s clearly worried, and working to raise alarm bells about excessive use and addiction, he also told me about a smart way to think about managing smartphone use in our own homes.

He suggests we consider four pillars of healthy development, and strive to protect those: sleep, learning, in-person connection and physical activity (if you like acronyms, it spells SLIP).

SLEEP

Rather than ban phones altogether, ban phones in bedrooms. No devices after 9 pm, period. A meta-analysis of 20 cross-sectional studies of children aged 6-19 years old revealed a strong association between bedtime access to and use of media devices and inadequate sleep quantity and quality.

The American Academy of Sleep Medicine recommends that children 6-12 years of age should sleep nine to 12 hours per night and teenagers 13-18 years of age should sleep eight to 10 hours per night for optimal health (full disclosure, 50% of my kids are meeting this and the other 50% it’s a nightly battle to make sure she gets seven hours).

Phones keep kids up, stress kids out and mess with sleep. Get them out of the bedroom. I have never let my kids sleep with their phones nearby. This isn’t about trust: it’s the reality that phones are addictive and it’s easier to remove the temptation. Sleep is the glue that holds us together, psychologist Lisa Damour likes to say: make sure your kids have a shot at being able to hold it together.

LEARNING

I support banning phones in school for two reasons. One: Learning is hard enough without the lure of a smartphone. Like sleep, remove the distraction to make it easier to pay attention to what’s happening in the classroom. Research shows that removing smartphones improves student test scores—not the be-all and end-all of education, but evidence that paying attention helps learning (obvious, but worth citing).

Removing phones in schools also gives kids a chance to form and sustain IRL friendships. I know I am not a teacher but I am all for noiser cafeterias and hallways. One school head told my co-author and I she banned phones in her DC public school and saw an 80% drop in disciplinary problems. One Danish study showed that a four-week ban on phones during recess significantly increased both the frequency and intensity of physical activity of children aged 10–14.

There’s a lot happening right now around bans: in 2024 the UK government issued guidance on banning phones in schools; just recently Australia passed a controversial blanket ban on social media for kids under 16.

In the US, resistance to such bans often comes down to fear that parents won’t be able to reach their kids in the event of a mass shooting. Data show parents generally support no phones during class but are more split on all-day restrictions.

There is also the pesky issue of phones when kids are studying. I love watching my daughters work through tricky math problems or talk through essay challenges on FaceTime with friends. Peer-to-peer learning is powerful and real. I do not love them listening to Spotify (and singing?!) while they study, nor am I a fan of the toggling between homework and Snapchat (no, you cannot multitask; the human brain is not wired that way). I’ve made a strong case to both my kids that they leave their phones on different floors when they study (out of sight; out of mind) and go get it if they need to FaceTime or text a friend for help.

My nagging here seems to work 50% of the time. I have one kid that never uses her phone and one who uses it a lot. When the phone-loving one is not pressured for time, she tends to keep the phone close by, listening to music and toggling more than I like. When she’s under the gun she puts it far away. She’s doing well in school and engaged in her learning so it’s a battle I choose not to fight all the time. I try to remind myself it’s an endless work in progress.

IN-PERSON CONNECTION

Encourage kids to spend time together with each other device-free. This is hard, especially for older teens (and why I love sports so much). Most of us have seen a group of kids watch a movie while on their phones, or get to a party and swipe open to manage the discomfort of an awkward start to an evening. We are not going to win the battle on the awkward moment, but we can help them understand that some awkwardness is totally normal and passes if they push through. We can also encourage them to do things without phones: ping pong, Cards Against Humanity, baking, dancing, tv.

When we are with them, make sure we show how to live without a phone attached to us. Watch movies or tv without texting, walk the dog and leave the device at home, plug the phone in downstairs and go up to bed with a book (while they are looking, of course).

Also: ban phones at dinner, which is usually no more than 30 minutes, and discourage use at bigger family, church or community gatherings. “Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity,” Simone Weil reportedly said. Encourage your kids to be generous and intentional with their attention.

PHYSICAL ACTIVITY

Finally, make sure kids get exercise. Ride bikes, play tennis, go for a walk or a run, play soccer or basketball with friends. Zumba, line dance, hip hop; whatever it takes to get moving. Exercise is one of the most effective ways to protect both body and mind. Following scientific guidelines on things like coffee or red wine can be hard as they change and evolve.* But there is no research that says exercise is bad. Moving is good for the heart, the mind, the body and the soul. Move more.

Murthy’s four-point plan allows us to focus on what we need to protect now—sleep, learning in distraction-free schools, real-life friendships and relationships, and being outside moving as much as possible. This principles-based approach is better than a rules-based one because it minimizes negotiation. In the same way our family values kindness to others—say yes to helping if you can—we value device-free dinners and sleep.

Let me be clear: I wish I had waited longer on social media; that we had started with brick phones, as many are mentioning they will do now; that TikTok did not exist. I also wish climate change wasn’t real and that bullies weren’t president. I’m glad Meta has finally chosen to put on teen controls, while also furious because they clearly could have done this all along.

Life with phones is messy and the situations in which even a values-based approach are applied evolve.

Last weekend my daughter went to a friend’s house to hang out. It was a last minute plan, and the house was nowhere near public transport (I live in a big city and my kids generally get themselves around). She asked if I could pick her up at 10, noting she could take an Uber. We had no plans that night, and I relished the idea of chatting with her after the gathering (this idea will make sense to all parents of teens and seem weird to any parents of young children, who can only dream of a time that their kids will not need them All The Time).

When I picked her up she hopped in the front seat and immediately swiped open her phone. I literally stopped the car and explained that if I take time out of my evening to collect her she can take the time to talk to me.

“I am not your chauffeur,” I said laughing, trying not to be as judgey as I was feeling. I know she went on her phone to download every last detail from her evening which is a very normal Friday night-response. But it can wait, until even tomorrow. She doesn’t have to tell me everything that happened; I doubt I will get a fraction of it. But she has to talk to me for the 20 minute ride home. I’m giving her my time, she can give me her attention.

This is a different principle—respect, and one that none of us should ever apologize for cultivating. Expect resistance. And get ready to welcome their thanks down the road, when they know how to be present for a real conversation, and can put away their phone as an act of love.

*Until there is clear guidance on either, I am choosing to drink both

Parts of this were first published in a blog back in May.

Some links:

UK Guidance on banning phones in classrooms

Your Undivided Attention - a great podcast from the Center for Humane technology

Max Stossel - a poet, film maker and storyteller, and evangelist for better tech use for teens (watch the Panda is Dancing video with your teen)

US Surgeon General Advisory on Social Media

Pew Research data on parents and smartphone use in the US