Nice. Basically, spaces they they can thrive in without phones, things they can do instead of being on their phones. Those kinds of positive and clearly boundaries solutions are much more motivating, long-lasting, and well-received than various strategies of discipline and coercion to convince them to just "not be on their phones". Support them to find the joy in phone free spaces because there actually is some joy there! Let them see it for themselves.
Exactly. They need to build the self regulation around the phone for when we are not there to take it away. So a combination of rules around sleep and moderation - built around joint rule setting.
Yes to all of this. Especially the car rides and device free bedrooms and meals.
My kids have both wished all their friends would get off socials so they could too. Sad, really. The obligation is real when so much of teen life happens in Snaps.
Great tips, Jenny! Sadly, we are now having to navigate a bumpy path of walking back our laissez-faire attitude on screens with our 14 and 16yos and are facing beaucoup resistance. I mostly blame the pandemic for our rules going out the window. 😢
Because then they have no skills for how to balance their own device use. One day that teen will be an adult. The goal is to give them the ability to manage themselves.
I don't buy managing device use is some skill that needs early age training; I didn't have a smart phone until I was almost 30, and am definitely not as addicted to it as I would've been if I'd had one at 13.
I just published a podcast episode on the talk of banning social media until age 16, etc. (Haidt’s book). I feel the Surgeon General’s report (and the APA’s) is much more realistic. And the science tells us that “Just Say No” and programs like DARE do not work with adolescents.
We need to teach this type of balance, work on our connection with them, and teach them digital literacy skills to learn how to manage their online world.
Thank you for this nuanced and thoughtful piece. As a parent of an ND teen I find the idea of a blanket ban on devices problematic. My young person uses their phone for social interaction which follows a predictable format and which they can (largely) control, as well as time management tools and wellbeing apps. Scrolling can be a way to self soothe, akin to stimming. This area seems poorly understood. I absolutely agree about tighter boundaries and we have had some experiences of the toxic peer relations overspill on social media. However it’s complicated and a ban can inadvertently harm an already marginalised group.
I appreciate the response from Anna Maija, I also have ND kids and although they don’t have access to social media, they use devices to play games and interact with friends.
As for the acronym:
Sleep: ND kids and adults tend to have difficulty with sleep anyway. Sometimes my 14yo will asked for her laptop for an hour in the middle of the night to help her fall asleep. That’s an ok “rule break” in my book.
Learning: my kids are in online school, so there’s a certain amount that they need to do online as it relates to school. And a lot of learning can come from safely exploring the internet. I have used AI to help me summarize the suffrage movement, divorce laws, reptiles in Spain, and why the periodic table of elements is called “periodic” for my 14yo - all based on her interests. That can’t necessarily happen as quickly as my kiddo’s interests come and go without access to online info.
In-Person: “socializing is hard” says my 14yo. Yes, yes it is. Especially for ND brains. Online interactions can be crucial for people that feel too much discomfort socializing in person. My kiddo has a best friend that lives 2 minutes from us, and they see in other IRL more than through a screen. But online friends that live elsewhere can only be accessed through a screen, and those friendships are no less important.
Physical activity: I do as much as I can to get my kids active, but along with ND brains can come gross motor challenges and body coordination issues. And if there’s the added pressure of the activity being around other people, socializing can interfere with the activity. Once again, online access can help - think yoga classes, workout routines, specialized programs for ND kids etc.
I find that we (the general public) ignore the divergent brains that need different accommodations.
Thank you for citing your sources. As a Substack collective, we need to be better about including links to peer-reviewed articles, and where we are sourcing our information from. I appreciate the time and energy you put into this task, so that we can try to reduce the spread of mis-information. And I don't have kids, but generally appreciate the thoughtful and actionable style of this piece!
Thank you, I think about this topic a lot, and have kids who were in the thick of ‘early phone days’, having been born in 2000 and 2002. I appreciate lessons learned from those days, and setting aside regret for not seeing the threat earlier, I believe it is never too late to help parents course correct. The sooner the technology limitations start, the better off your children will be.
This is fantastic. I have a 6 year old and 2 year old we’re totally screen free apart from TV. No tablets, no phones no devices, even on long car trips and in restaurants and waiting rooms. I’m deeply invested in allowing my kids to be bored but I know things will change as they get older. This a perfectly reasonable plan for teen phone use, thank you.
Hi Jenny, wonderful piece thank you for sharing it with us. Could you explain a bit more about your regret that you wish you “had started with brick phones”? What is a brick phone, and what would you have done differently? We’re looking to strike a similar balance as you have with our 12 year old daughter. Thanks in advance!
A brick phone is a flip-phone or other Not Internet Accessible device. Us old folks remember the first cell phones being about the size, weight (& reception) of a brick.
I'm in Toronto, Canada, and finding it frustrating that phones are technically banned in high schools, but the teachers won't enforce it because they feel they can't. Apparently liability issues--where to put the phones that they are confiscating, etc. Discouraging that on paper the school board is protecting our kids but not in real time.
This is fantastic. I love the acronym SLIP. I know it’s meant for kids but it is also practical for adults.
I need this as much as my kids do. Not the in person - because that's what I am used to. But sleep and work (learning), for sure.
This conversation is so important. Keep writing about it!
This sounds really frustrating. The Yondr pouch seems to be a hit in the US and the UK. Have you discussed that?
Nice. Basically, spaces they they can thrive in without phones, things they can do instead of being on their phones. Those kinds of positive and clearly boundaries solutions are much more motivating, long-lasting, and well-received than various strategies of discipline and coercion to convince them to just "not be on their phones". Support them to find the joy in phone free spaces because there actually is some joy there! Let them see it for themselves.
Exactly. They need to build the self regulation around the phone for when we are not there to take it away. So a combination of rules around sleep and moderation - built around joint rule setting.
Yes to all of this. Especially the car rides and device free bedrooms and meals.
My kids have both wished all their friends would get off socials so they could too. Sad, really. The obligation is real when so much of teen life happens in Snaps.
Great tips, Jenny! Sadly, we are now having to navigate a bumpy path of walking back our laissez-faire attitude on screens with our 14 and 16yos and are facing beaucoup resistance. I mostly blame the pandemic for our rules going out the window. 😢
This frankly sounds exhausting. Not sure why the solution can't be simply prohibiting a teen from having a smart phone in the first place.
Because then they have no skills for how to balance their own device use. One day that teen will be an adult. The goal is to give them the ability to manage themselves.
I don't buy managing device use is some skill that needs early age training; I didn't have a smart phone until I was almost 30, and am definitely not as addicted to it as I would've been if I'd had one at 13.
I just published a podcast episode on the talk of banning social media until age 16, etc. (Haidt’s book). I feel the Surgeon General’s report (and the APA’s) is much more realistic. And the science tells us that “Just Say No” and programs like DARE do not work with adolescents.
We need to teach this type of balance, work on our connection with them, and teach them digital literacy skills to learn how to manage their online world.
Great post!❤️
Thank you for this nuanced and thoughtful piece. As a parent of an ND teen I find the idea of a blanket ban on devices problematic. My young person uses their phone for social interaction which follows a predictable format and which they can (largely) control, as well as time management tools and wellbeing apps. Scrolling can be a way to self soothe, akin to stimming. This area seems poorly understood. I absolutely agree about tighter boundaries and we have had some experiences of the toxic peer relations overspill on social media. However it’s complicated and a ban can inadvertently harm an already marginalised group.
I appreciate the response from Anna Maija, I also have ND kids and although they don’t have access to social media, they use devices to play games and interact with friends.
As for the acronym:
Sleep: ND kids and adults tend to have difficulty with sleep anyway. Sometimes my 14yo will asked for her laptop for an hour in the middle of the night to help her fall asleep. That’s an ok “rule break” in my book.
Learning: my kids are in online school, so there’s a certain amount that they need to do online as it relates to school. And a lot of learning can come from safely exploring the internet. I have used AI to help me summarize the suffrage movement, divorce laws, reptiles in Spain, and why the periodic table of elements is called “periodic” for my 14yo - all based on her interests. That can’t necessarily happen as quickly as my kiddo’s interests come and go without access to online info.
In-Person: “socializing is hard” says my 14yo. Yes, yes it is. Especially for ND brains. Online interactions can be crucial for people that feel too much discomfort socializing in person. My kiddo has a best friend that lives 2 minutes from us, and they see in other IRL more than through a screen. But online friends that live elsewhere can only be accessed through a screen, and those friendships are no less important.
Physical activity: I do as much as I can to get my kids active, but along with ND brains can come gross motor challenges and body coordination issues. And if there’s the added pressure of the activity being around other people, socializing can interfere with the activity. Once again, online access can help - think yoga classes, workout routines, specialized programs for ND kids etc.
I find that we (the general public) ignore the divergent brains that need different accommodations.
Guide dogs are allowed in places other dogs aren’t. There’s always the exceptions for rules.
I love the subtitle of this; helpful to think about positive goods rather than all the negatives.
Thank you for citing your sources. As a Substack collective, we need to be better about including links to peer-reviewed articles, and where we are sourcing our information from. I appreciate the time and energy you put into this task, so that we can try to reduce the spread of mis-information. And I don't have kids, but generally appreciate the thoughtful and actionable style of this piece!
Thanks Maureen!
Thank you, I think about this topic a lot, and have kids who were in the thick of ‘early phone days’, having been born in 2000 and 2002. I appreciate lessons learned from those days, and setting aside regret for not seeing the threat earlier, I believe it is never too late to help parents course correct. The sooner the technology limitations start, the better off your children will be.
As the parent of a 3 year old, I loved this. Thank you!!
This is fantastic. I have a 6 year old and 2 year old we’re totally screen free apart from TV. No tablets, no phones no devices, even on long car trips and in restaurants and waiting rooms. I’m deeply invested in allowing my kids to be bored but I know things will change as they get older. This a perfectly reasonable plan for teen phone use, thank you.
Hi Jenny, wonderful piece thank you for sharing it with us. Could you explain a bit more about your regret that you wish you “had started with brick phones”? What is a brick phone, and what would you have done differently? We’re looking to strike a similar balance as you have with our 12 year old daughter. Thanks in advance!
A brick phone is a flip-phone or other Not Internet Accessible device. Us old folks remember the first cell phones being about the size, weight (& reception) of a brick.
I'm in Toronto, Canada, and finding it frustrating that phones are technically banned in high schools, but the teachers won't enforce it because they feel they can't. Apparently liability issues--where to put the phones that they are confiscating, etc. Discouraging that on paper the school board is protecting our kids but not in real time.